"What the Savior is urging us to do is to let Him worry about the future. He'll take care of it and us. All we need to do is worry about the moment we are in, because it is the only moment we have any control over."
-Sherrie Mills Johnson from Gospel Insights for Everyday Living
This week has been tough. While it has been nice having so much time with the children, it also means that I have not really had a break from the meltdowns. The week has been constant meltdowns. One child followed by another. My favorite moments are dealing with multiple meltdowns at one time.
While reading today the above quote really struck home to me. Yet, I was confused. Today L had an epic panic attack. Thankfully none of her bites actually left bruises on my arms, and her screaming did not get our landlord to our door, this time. During these moments all I have are the future. If I just hold on it will pass. Eventually it will pass. Yet then I start to worry. Will the landlord knock on my door this time. Or will it be the police again. Is this the meltdown that is going to lead to the eviction that has been threatened over the last year?
Sometimes the landlord comes. A few times it has even been the police. Yet through it all we have continued to make it through. I have a stable job with more flexibility and a much better paycheck. We still have a place to call home. We have a church who has accepted us - all of us - and even helped to search for L for hours when she ran away.
What does the constant worrying for the future give me except more stress? The one thing I have in abundance is stress - I do not need any more of it.
I realize that this does not mean that I should not continue to plan for the future. It is important to put money and food aside for emergencies. I need to make sure we do not run out of necessities. I have to plan for rent and even entertainment. But I should not be doing it at the expense of present.
I also have to learn to let go of the past. Today I did good. Once L calmed down and did what was expected of her we joined the others at the dinner table and completed our meal. When L slipped away to put herself to bed I let her go without a word. While my children need to follow through with the rules of our house, they do not need to be constantly be reprimanded for past behaviors. They do not like it anymore then I do.
So I will continue to work on taking a deep breath and re-centering myself after a meltdown. After all all we have is the present.
