This is Me

Today is suppose to be a science post. I have one that I am working on - it is a good one that will be many different parts. The first part is not ready yet. I have decided to post an honest post about my feelings lately - this is different then what I normally do, because normally I just vent.

The honest truth about being a single mom to three special kids is that I am often tired and lonely.

I work through it, and when needed we work through it together.

When things got to the point I could not hold on I changed and we started Taekwondo. It has literally saved our family. I have posted how it has changed my children, but I have not been honest in how it has saved myself.

I had a pretty traumatic childhood. Beyond growing up with Aspergers when people did not have a clue what that was, I also suffered a lot of abuse at home and at school. One memory light enough that I will share was during my sixth grade year. I was surrounded by children on the playground. They were all throwing footballs at me and yelling at me. There had to be at least 15 kids. It was during recess. Maybe the teachers thought it was a game, maybe they just didn't care if the weird kid was picked on. When I went home it was worse.

One of my children's therapist suggested that I suffer from PTSD. I do know that getting hit and kicked at can be very traumatic for me. I will not put up with it from another adult. What do you do when it is your kids?


Yes, This is Really Me

Me Again

Exercise is a great way to deal with stress. Accomplishing something is a great way to build self esteem. Learning martial arts is a great way to feel in control of a child of out of control behavior.

Honestly, I demand perfection for myself in all that I do. When I do not gain perfection - which is always - I feel defeated. If I screw up at work I carry that with me, rather than all the many things I have done successfully. If I screw up a conversation it haunts my brain for weeks. There is no such thing as perfection. Yet where do you draw the line between improving yourself and excusing yourself.

I am in a much better place. My life is good. My kids are starting the school year off good. We are doing well, eating well, spending time together, and our house is so much calmer. I wake up and take care of my kids, go to work, go home and cook and clean, go to TKD or the kids activities or go to the park to practice. We have a full life.

But the reality is I do not have a single friend. I have a few associates at work and church, which is nice - but not a friend. Unless you have Asperger's I do not think you can truly understand how hard it is to make a friend, and how special it is to have someone who just understands you without having to put in tons of effort. I think this puts me in a venerable spot where I have to perform all day long, especially now that my kids are up as long as I am. It is exhausting and wears me down, and makes me more venerable to feeling like a screw up when I do not hold the persona up perfectly.

So, yeah, that is where I am at the moment. Not science, maybe more melodrama then you care to read. It is the honest truth.