Picking Up The Pieces from Raging

A coworker the other day asked how I had everything so together. I responded back that I don't.

The fact that she could even still think that I had anything together after this last round of raging makes me hopeful that I managed this wave with some success.

I am very happy to announce that we are getting back on track.

What changed?

It appears that the trigger for this month of Hell was thanks to J's growing. Last weekend he slept, and slept and slept. Monday he passed out right after school. There has not been any aggression since. Attitude - yep plenty of that - but no aggression.

I can feel the stress pouring off of me. I can see the release in L's behavior - no meltdowns since J stopped melting down.

S - well she cycles on her own. She still has plenty of fits - but her fits are predictable.

Now we have to pick ourselves back up. Here are some tricks that I have learned.

1 - Cut Your Losses

Here is my biggest confession. When I learned that for the last month or so J has been hiding the dirty dishes around the kitchen instead of cleaning them I officially cut my losses. There was no possible way that I could catch up. So I became a horrible member of our community. I gathered all the reasonably replaceable items into a trash bag and tossed them all. Then I bought lots of paper and plastic items.

In the manner between sanity and environment I picked sanity. Am I thrilled with this temporary solution - nope. Yet, this situation could have been my tipping point. With no one to help catch us up I did what I had to.

2 - Take it One Step at a Time

It is easy to feel overwhelmed when you have enough sanity to realize exactly how much you are behind on. The problem is that this usually is in every aspect of your life. You have had too little sleep and relaxation. Your home is probably a wreck, the kids need advocating for, they need help catching up at school, and you have probably fallen behind at work.

Then there is your house. It is impossible to keep my house clean during a huge rage period. For one thing it is so much easier for them to mess it up then it is for me to clean it.

It is way too overwhelming to think about everything that needs to be done. So, think about just one thing. Put the rest of the items on a list so you can forget about them until it is their time. Then focus on the most important item.

At our house we are focusing on our kitchen. Without our kitchen we cannot eat properly. If we do not eat properly we hurt our body more and get further out of control. It is also where we spend a lot of our time. It is also where we had the most damage.

After the kitchen we will move on to other areas that need improvement.

3 - Do Not Push Too Hard, Do Push Enough

Things are never perfect after a long term rage cycle. During the period behaviors and schedules have suffered. You did not fight the little things, because you were so worried about the big things. I was so worried about being hit I did not worry about being disrespected.

Except now J has more control.

On our way to work/school I was talking about getting our house in order. J started going off about how none of it was his fault. Except even as he was saying this he was dropping orange peels onto the car seat.

I had to decide to ignore this or to push it. I decided to push it, because J had some control and I thought that picking this battle would be productive. Sometimes I am wrong. This time I was not.

I pulled over to the side of the car, and asked him to get out until he could talk respectfully to me. It took a bit, but he got out, and we had a conversation through the passenger window. I first got him to obey me with small things - like keeping the door closed while we talked. We then moved up to him creating a plan on how he was going to help make our kitchen better.

He picked sweeping. Then I talked about the consequence of that - he would have to finish it before I started cooking dinner. Then do it again after. He agreed. Then he was back to saying "Yes, Ma'am" and the defiant look was off his face. He got back in the car and we carried on our way.

With the amount of damage and stress over the last month sweeping is not a lot of effort to get back. However, it is an acceptable start. He is not ready for more - yet. You have to find a line that seems reasonable for everyone. Sometimes you are wrong - you do not push hard enough or you push to hard. You learn and try to gage it better next time.

Just remember no one knows your kid as good as you do.

4 - The Most Important Thing to Do Is Relax

When S has had a huge meltdown when she comes out of it she EATS. It is like a post workout meal. While I do not think I exert the same energy as my children do mid rage - I still exert a lot making sure they are safe. I can only imagine what happens to my cortisol levels. The overall impact on my body must be overwhelming - and that is more then just the visible bruises.

Which is why I make myself rest. When the house is still a mess, and the crazy has not been swept away this is very hard. I feel like a slacker if I am not always doing something. Yet this this just leads to burning myself out again. So when the kids go to bed, I start my mental health time. Sometimes this just means going to bed as well.

5- Everything has it's Time

When a rage is going on it is really hard to think about a time when you are not in survival mode. For one, there is not the extra energy. For another, you have no idea when that point is going to be. For S she had the Black Summer. For three months I lived in constant stress mode. J's month, even with the aggression, was a cakewalk. Yet, it did not feel that way in the middle of the rage. I do not think about the end. I think about surviving the moment.

Even now I know that the 'peace' will not last. Yet, I cannot dwell on that. I have to focus on rebuilding and getting us back to a better ground. That way when then the inevitable happens again we have that much further to fall before we hit bottom.