My Ideal Night

I really do not like when I read a post on a blog which starts out with sorry I have not been around for a while. Then when you look at the last ten or so posts they all start out the same way. So here is my one and only post that will start out with this apology.

Sorry I have not been posting almost daily. I mostly post during my lunch hour. During my busy periods of work I do not even take lunch. I barely even make it to my computer. Usually I work through it and still post, however with the added stress of a therapist switch over I have been hiding from the world. 

It will happen again. By saying this up front then I do not have to worry about the anxiety of coming back to blogging after a week of not posting. Yes, that makes me anxious. The longer I do not post the more I dread coming back. It is not because I do not like blogging. It is because I feel like I let people down and I do not want to have to face that. 

I am totally and utterly exhausted. My mom is out of town so me and my sister have been juggling who is watching the kids. On top of this I have been pulling out any extra time I can at work to finish a project that will go through next week, even with pulling an all nighter this Friday. 

When J came to work we were talking. I listed my ideal night.

Go to the store to get eggs and chocolate

Go home eat my perfect crockpot meal and chocolate

Watch an episode of Sherlock Holmes

He asked me where they fit into my plans. I stared at him blankly and told him that they didn't. While looking back I realize that may have been a bit blunt. However, what I meant is that I have stopped trying to make my children fit into an ideal mold. Instead I told him how I suspected the evening would go.

Pick up L from school, hopefully she was not having a bad day

Hopefully make it to the store because I really wanted chocolate

Children sit and beg for everything at the store

Come home and me and J eat dinner that everyone freaks out about (The first time we were cooking with eggplant)

Hopefully I could turn on an episode of Sherlock Holmes and actually relax

I also threw in some attitude from J and a bit of a meltdown from S (I figured this was a given since they started the morning with a fist fight)

Here is how the day actually went

Picked up L from school. She was at the door with her old therapist - I forgot it was her last appointment with her - in tears. Spent 15 minutes with her lip quivering and her telling me how her therapist told her that I was making her leave and that she could still see her if I just let her, and that she would ask. As my sister mentioned, it just reaffirms that transitioning therapists was the correct choice.

Despite that I did make it to the store. Mostly this was because L wanted coconut ice cream for a party for school the next day. Walked out spending more money then I really could have, and bought way too many paleo qualifying chocolate items. Emotional eating anyone?

On the way home the gas light came on in the car. We were almost home and I was too tired to stop. Instead I let kids know that we HAD to get gas in the morning so they hopefully would have a good Friday.

Walked into the house to find out that the crockpot meal was burnt. So much for trying eggplant. Apparently we forgot to put water in it. At least this was better then when we forgot to turn it on. Then we had to dump it without eating it. This way J ate it all. The kid loves burnt food. Which I know is not good - but I hate wasting food.

Threw my hands up and told the kids to make what they wanted for dinner. I ate organic potato chips and chocolate. This is not an example of what to strive for. It is an example of how to survive when you do not know how much else you have to give.

The kids were overall well behaved once we arrived home. I watched an episode of Sherlock Holmes, L watched with me for a bit. Then S and L played together, without fighting. J wondered around for a bit, and read in his room.

Before I knew it it was bedtime. Then there was a mad dash to do everything that I did not force them to do earlier, like shower or make lunch. L just flittered around my room like a little bird. Her hands have been at her shoulders flapping continually lately, today she also would not stop chirping. I would get it if she was actually trying to be a bird, but in reality she is just stimming. I have seen it practically non stop for two weeks now. Is it really not happening around other people, or do they just not see it?

My night was not my ideal. There were plenty of detours from my perfect plan. Yet I was not thrown off by any one of them. Mostly because I expected all of them. Additionally, I also know that it can be so much worse.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.