In truth I was not sure if I was going to write this post or not. Well here it is, about as real as it gets.
It is hard being a special needs parent. Your days are full of doubt. You go through periods of blaming yourself. If only I realized it sooner. If only I had more patients. If only I devote more time for each child.
You also question yourself. . . a lot. Is this a panic attack or is she trying to get away with not doing something she does not want to do? Does he really need a break or is he trying to get away with not doing something he does not want to do? Is the story she telling me based on any sort of reality?
Overall, you do the best you can. One of the ways to do this is to get a good team to help your child. This is not always easy. Quality mental health providers are hard to find.
Sometimes things happen that leave you baffled and questioning everything.
For me this happened at a recent psychologist appointment. I went in thinking everything was routine. Overall everyone is doing pretty good. We are working through things the best we can, and everyone has improved so much.
L's therapist showed up to the appointment. This is not abnormal. What was abnormal is what she said.
When I was telling the psychologist about our after school program letting me know that if she has one more fit that she can not come back to the program, her therapist interrupted me. She then told me she talked to the director of the program and that this is not the case. She continued to tell me that L is just having temper tantrums.
TEMPER TANTRUMS
They are not panic attacks because L has never once complained about her heart racing. Yes, that is her basis of them not being panic attacks. I do not know about you, but when I have a panic attack it feels more like I cannot breath - nothing about a racing heart. Also, L is nine - why would she even mention her heart racing?
I took a deep breath. Fine call them what you want, I still need to figure out how to handle them. They are still significantly impacting her life.
She then tells me that we need to talk 'off line.' I figured she just meant when we were not wasting the psychologists time, until L asked what it meant. Apparently it means when L is not listening. She then alluded to the fact that all L's symptoms were because that is what is expected in our family. Meaning that I am telling my daughter to act like this? Really?
At some point the therapist mentioned that L is not even on anxiety medication. Um. . . that is ALL SHE IS ON!
Her therapist then goes on to say that L does not have any problems IN THE ONE HOUR A WEEK THAT SHE SEES MY DAUGHTER IF SHE EVEN BOTHERS TO SHOW UP! Oh and her teacher never has any problems at all - except we have already talked about how even if L was having problems in school her teacher would NEVER tell. She is just one of those teachers that seems to think it reflects back on her. Something I do not get at all.
I mention to her therapist that she has seen one of these attacks. She was worthless at helping me handle it. Her psychologist at least interjects about how much progress L has made, and that there is defiantly an issue with anxiety.
Days later I am honestly still in shock. I work my butt of taking care of my kids. I do my best to advocate for my kids needs. Sometimes it takes me over an hour to transition L from after school to the car.
If it is all in my head then how come the feedback I am getting is nothing about temper tantrums and normal development. The night after this appointment, without provocation, someone connected to her after school program was talking to me. He mentioned that the director of the program called L a liability. She is a LIABILITY to their program because something could happen, but it is all in my head.
Then her therapist wants to turn it around and blame me. She can so easily forget the hell of the last year. She can forget that L tried to kill herself. She has not already had to start prepping L for the transition from the end of school to summer camp, even though it is more then a month away. She gets to go home and forget. Then she gets to randomly point a finger at me and not even be able to back any of it up.
Why did this all happen? Because while visiting my child at the after school program she talked to one of the leaders. The leader is a collage student who loves to yell at the kids. One day, when they were short on instructors they put three classes worth of children together. She then began snapping at L. L stood up for herself, and told her she would not be talked to in such a manner. Great advocacy skills, little respect for someone in charge of her. We talked about it, I made L write a letter apologizing for her part. I let her ask the teacher to please use nicer words to her in the future. The teacher was not happy.
The therapist never even had authority to talk to this teacher about my child. This leader was never my child's regular after school leader. This teacher is a twenty year old with a bad attitude and no official child development education.
And because of that I am a horrible parent who has made up every behavior in my daughter.
Oh and it is my fault that my daughter asked, without my influence, to not have to sit next to other students. Even though I did not move the desk and the teacher never asked me if I was ok with this. Even though I am, because it is the one modification L has asked for.
I know the therapist is wrong. I am pissed that she could have forgotten so much about my daughter. We have talked about how she needed to stop focusing on how cute and adorable my daughter is and actually HELP her. Despite all of that I have not slept since this has happened. It has not stopped playing in my head. I know I am not perfect. But to be accused of this. One one hand I want to scream until I am blue in the face. On the other hand I am jealous that she gets to forget my daughter's behavior, while they interfere with nearly every aspect of my life.
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