Schedule, Rewards, and Natural Consequences

Our house functions on three concepts - schedule, rewards, and natural consequences.

 

Schedule

Everyday we have a routine. It is divided into ten minute increments. You have ten minutes to get your clothes on, ten minutes to use the bathroom, ten minutes to eat your breakfast, and ten minutes to rush and get what was not finished finished - and hopefully not forget meds, lunches, or backpacks. To keep us on schedule I have multiple alarms set on my phone.

When we get home whoever did not finish homework finishes while I cook. Who ever is able helps me to cook. If someone else is free they "make the house better". Lately L has been excluded from everything except the homework. She is back to having panic attacks at her after school program - she is beyond done with the day when I get her picked up. Her schedule is to take her medicine, finish homework, and unwind with her Kindle Fire. Even J has stopped arguing with me when he finally realized how hard she is trying just to not freak out.

With every good schedule their is flexibility. When L is having a good day, I will get her off her fire and have her help with dinner. When J is overdone with life I send him to chill on his bed. Then there is S's schedule - or rather her mood changes. When she is in her "the world sucks, everyone is out to get me" mood we all want to hide. When things are busy at my work we may have eggs for dinner two nights a week instead of just once.

Flexibility is good, as long as the big schedule is maintained.

Reward

The best lesson I learned as an ABA therapist is that with the proper motivation a person can learn amazing things. When L was in her dark period the only way I survived was through reward (let's face it it was downright bribery). It would take us an hour to transition from the end of her her summer camp to the car, and that was with the idea of our trip to 7-11 to get her a Root Beer. In the morning we stopped at McDonalds to pick up the ice cream that got her out the door. Feel free to pass judgement - I was in survival mode. Of all my children's episodes this one was the scariest.

L does not respond very well to reinforcement, as long as we have the right reinforcement. Food reinforcers work best with her as well, I think this is because she needs to be motivated on a more primitive level when she is loosing control. At the same time food also is a huge trigger for her panic attacks as well. The thought of beef stew can send her into a three or four hour panic attack. I push when I can, and do not push when she can not take it. L does not have the most amazing food selection - but it is growing. She picked out both pomegranate seeds and kale from the farmer's market, and ate both. She currently loves carrot fries, and will eat sausage, eggs, and hamburgers. Perhaps best of all is the understanding that she, of all my children, will get sick if she eats something that she is not suppose to.

I also will reinforce S and J as well. It does not have the same impact as it does on L. J has always had a hard time associated consequences with actions. Thankfully, at 13 he is starting to get it. However, he has not learned it through the reward system. S does not respond well to rewards all the time either. The other day she had a meltdown that someone eat her food - when she had food right in front of her. When she gets like this no reward will help, I just have to get her to a safe place and let her ride it out.

I however thrive on the reward system. It is the only way that I ever get anything done. I have had people ask me how I can possibly read and still manage my household. The truth is that I do not think that I could stay sane without my books. At night after they have gone to bed I will read a chapter and then fold some clothes, then I will reward myself with another chapter. On the really good days I will have all four of us laid out in the living room reading. Those days do not come often enough. While I am in the kitchen I will plug in an earphone and listen to an audio book. I may pause it 100 times, but at least the story is in the back of my mind. I am constantly thinking about a million things at once anyway.

 

Natural Consequences

Natural Consequences do not work so well for J, they tend to create a panic attack. However, for S and J they work wonders. It is through natural consequences that J is starting to see cause and effect. He actually mentioned to me that he stopped trying to hack my iPad because he never succeeded and just got in more trouble. I did an internal happy dance. Progress, people - for J this is a huge jump, at least he noticed some consequence. Lately it has been bad for all three kids. J has had quite a few rages after I caught him taking school lunch without permission. Things are calming down immensely. However, now he has to pay me back all the time that I spent handling his rages. It has been so nice having the help with dishes that we have worked out an agreement that I will pay him more money to do them when his time is paid back. It will hopefully help me out for a little while.

I mostly manage S's behaviors with natural consequences as well, although a bit differently then her brother. Her moods change so fast and often that it is hard to hold her to a longer term consequence. Most of her behavior management is if you throw a fit you need to go to your quiet space, ops you threw your fire guess you do not want that anymore. oh you put a hole in the wall well you better fix it. Last week I was so disgusted at finding all the food hidden in her room that I made her do a deep cleaning. Typically I do this, but I do not have the time. S was having nothing to do with it. She started complaining about how I treat her like a slave. So, I treated her like a capitalist instead and made her pay me for everything (especially meals) until her room was done. Do not worry, I knew that food would be a powerful enough motivator. I also broke it down into manageable pieces. She earned every meal and her room is now the cleanest in the house. She also has, at least a temporary, appreciation for keeping her room clean.

Trust me, I am far from perfect. Some days I yell. Once last week I was so overwhelmed I walked out of the house and stood by our car. L ran out after me afraid I was leaving her. We calmed down together and went back. Some days I gain straight by looking back at where we used to be, seeing how far we have come, and knowing that my kids are amazing.