I have had people ask how my other siblings react to their sibling's special needs. I have had it asked with each child as the reference point. I respond that they have their own issues - they learn how to put up with each other's issues - and when I tell them to leave a room they better leave a room.
I write this post after a major meltdown by L. Thankfully this is not the meltdown of three months ago when she would yell scream and bite up my arm for two or three hours and then finally get away from me and run. . . sometimes she would hide and calm down. . . during the bad parts she would just run. . . during the worst part she tried to run in front of cars. Then she was hospitalized for seven days for trying to kill herself, for telling the intake people (in very graphic words) about how the devil talks to her. . .whispering in her head.
During that period I had to wear long sleeves at all times. My entire forearms were bruised. We had the police called to our house. We spent hours on the side of the road just trying to get her calm enough to drive home. This was our root beer and ice cream phase. I even broke down so low as to cave for McDonalds. Anything for her to maintain that extra ounce of control.
I have been at this place with all of my children. J has been to the hospital twice for trying to hurt me. After the second time I realized he thought the hospital was fun and was trying to get back. The hospital was no longer an option with him.
L does the same thing now. She begs for the hospital. Tonight she was pleading for me to take her. However, unlike her brother who wanted the blueberry pie and guitar hero games - I think L wants someplace where she thinks everyone will be safe. The hospital is just easier, less stressful. In her mind she deserves it for loosing control.
In many ways it is ironic that S - my daughter with bipolar - is the only one of my children who have not gone to the hospital. It is not that she has never reached the official criteria - harm to self or others. It is that I have always been able to talk her off the edge before the hospital was the only option. Sure we got kicked out of stores because of her behavior, and we had a two hour limit on babysitters (they would never stay longer then two hours and then we had to find a new babysitter). The one saving grace with S is that she never knew she had to option to cross that line. When she was younger all I would have to do is get her to fall asleep and we would be fine. She still takes naps in school to help herself to cope. Even now, with her nearly as big as me, she will nearly always do what I need her to do if I count down from five - the counting is consequence enough - I only have to sometimes add another consequence.
I think someone could write up a case study on the dynamics of our family alone. J has a meltdown and becomes very aggressive, this sets off L who looses any grasp of here and now. Then S starts melting down because I tell her to wait (for whatever request she thinks requires my immediate attention) while I am helping L to calm down. Then I have all three of them going at one time and I wish I was an ostrich and could just hide my head in the sand.
Then there was tonight were L was allowed to watch TV today (will I NEVER learn that the minutes of solitude are just not worth it!). Then she had a freak out over the peanut butter - the one two days ago she picked out and agreed to, and just yesterday actually ate. Today it was not the right kind which resulted in attempted hitting and kicking and bitting. Then she ran out of the house and hid by the car.
I grabbed my keys opened the car (she stealthy climbed in) and all four of us drove away from our madhouse. I did not have shoes or my wallet.
The driving helped, but the rage continued for nearly two more hours. L was clambering for McDonalds - and even more vocally to be taken to the hospital. At one point, when we stopped because she was peaking again, we were watched by a gentlemen, who I assume was making sure I was not beating my kids. We drove some more. We went on the freeway for a time, until she acted up again and I had to get off. Then we twisted around side streets - all the time "looking for the hospital." Finally, her medication began kicking in. But in reality she was scared the we were lost - then she finally clambered to go home. Once she recognized where we were she began making up games, calming herself down. Even still at home she was afraid to go to bed. J sat in her room for an hour reading a book - S on the top bunk of her bed just was not enough.
It is these days when I am just tired. Many times I am overjoyed to go back to work to get a break. When work is busy then it makes everything else that much harder. It takes a lot of effort being the homemaker and the wage earner. I have to switch between being the father and the mother. I have to have the energy and mental capacity for managing not one - but three special needs children - and all the appointments, medications, and other needs that entails.
Sometimes it is nice just to wine and vent a little - to type it all out - so I can go on doing it all again tomorrow. After all what else is there to do - they are my kids - and I love them.
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